Helping to illuminate biblical context and background
Well, the time has come again for another blog entry. It has been a very solemn time lately as I approach the day I was to deliver my first child. March 31st 2009 was the due date. I found out June 30th 2008, that I was going to have a baby. Circumstances were not the greatest, I mean, yes, we wanted to have a baby, we just didn’t think it would happen right away, but it did. We were scared, to say the least. Because we weren’t really married at the time, we disappointed the most important woman in the world to Jay and that was his mom. She had a difficult time, which made me have feelings inside that I didn’t know what to do with. We all had to accept the news and go on. But telling the news was just the beginning of what was to come to pass in the near future.
About 2 weeks after I found out I was going to have a baby, I started having symptoms that something wasn’t right. We went to get an ultrasound and they said that maybe it was just too early, that we weren’t as far along as we thought we were. So we scheduled for another ultrasound and we were advised to go to the ER and find out what was going on.
So we went to the ER. And after 4-6 hours being at the hospital waiting for answers the doctors came in and said that they see that what is going on is an attempt of miscarriage. They said that they would prescribe some pain pills to help ease the pain that I would go through when it passed. They also informed me that through the ultrasound that they saw that I had what was called a bicornuate uterus. They explained that it’s a heart-shaped uterus. A normal uterus is oval like, but mine is heart-shaped which makes it harder to conceive and have kids. They said that I would most likely not be able to have any kids and that if I did by chance conceive I would most likely miscarry or go into premature labor. Thus, here was the end results of that visit: “You are having a miscarriage, and you can’t have any kids.”
I left that hospital very emotional to say the least. Devastation is barely even a glimpse of what you might have found when peering into my soul at that moment. I didn’t know what was going to become of the relationship that I was in with Jay either. All he ever wanted was to have a kid and the woman that he felt was his soul mate couldn’t give him that, not in man’s eyes anyway.
I went through all of July, all of August, all of September and still no sign of the miscarriage. We thought maybe I might have to go for a DNC for the removal seeing that it wasn’t passing on its own. The drs didn’t think it necessary. We went to the ER a couple of times because we weren’t sure what was going on and why it hadn’t passed yet. The doctors kept saying that it will happen on its own. We mentioned about a need to get a DNC done and the doctor said at this time he didn’t think it was needed to be done. So we went home. I was quite thankful that he said that, because I sure didn’t want to get a DNC. I wanted this to happen on its own and October 6th came and that’s when Jayden finally departed from me.
It was very hard especially not seeing in today’s eyes back then. In October 2008, I was letting go of the only child I would ever carry in my life. I had to let it go, and it was very painful emotionally as well as physically.
After I had the miscarriage, Jay was all eager to get me out of the house and onto bigger and better plans and ideas that roam and fly around in his head. His goal was to try and ease the emotions and feelings that might try to affect my mind and thoughts, and getting out of the house makes you think of other things rather than stay at home and dwell on the present. He wanted to get ahead of the depression that could come into effect after a miscarriage. I didn’t want to go out anywhere. He was getting ready to go do a puppet demonstration with kids. Out of all places to go to after a miscarriage we both went to demonstrate puppets to a bunch of kids who wanted to learn. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to ever see a kid, or work with kids at the time of my miscarriage. It was a battle I had to fight fast because Jay was a children’s pastor, he worked with kids all the time. And even though we couldn’t have kids wouldn’t stop him from accomplishing the goal that God had placed on his life.
Throughout the course of the miscarriage, from the time we first got the news to the time Jayden passed, and sometime after that. I definitely had my challenges and struggles that I had to deal with on my own, and at my own pace. It’s one thing to just say “You have to leave it in God’s hands” and leaving it in God’s hands. Prayer was the biggest thing that I held onto during that time in my life and I think because it was so much a part of my life that it made it so much easier to bear. I had to leave my desires and wants in God’s hands and if it was in His will to bless us with a child than I would leave it up to Him to make that happen in my life.
The church that we were attending at the time was an encouragement in time of need even though they didn’t know anything that was going on at the time. The pastors son brought a friend to church and she was pregnant and her due date was the same as Jayden. That made me a little emotional to think she would have a baby to hold and love and I had to think of the loss that I had instead of feeling the joy that she would have that day.
The Psalmist at the church would occasionally sing a song that I clung to during the time of the miscarriage. It was a source of strength that helped me overcome and go through the experience.
I will share the lyrics here:
Vs. There is no end to the goodness of the Lord
There is no end to lovingkindness
And to your steadfast love when everything would fail
You remain true and you prevail
Chorus: God is Good, says my soul
God is Good says my soul
Through the night You are Light
And there is no need to fright
God is Good says my soul
God is Good says my soul
In the shadow of the cross
Through all suffering and loss
God is Good.
I had to accept “through all suffering and loss, God is Good.” I was suffering, I was struggling, it was so easy for everyone to go to church and sing and not think of a present thing they were going through in suffering and loss. I had both. I knew what that song meant and it had a total impact in my life and still does. I held onto every word of this song, it was my strength that helped me get through. I know God had us going to that church at that time for a reason.
Thank you Psalmist (Uncle Chad) for answering God’s calling on your life, and letting Him lead you, and being willing to be used by Him to sing songs. This song was definitely created for me. Thank you!
Today I can now say, shortly after, when I finally had peace about the miscarriage and all the feelings and circumstances around it. And I felt that I totally gave God my will and my desires in this area of my life, and I was at peace with the way my life was going to be. I got pregnant. I found out I was pregnant when I was six months along. I gave birth to a full term baby boy September 3rd 2009 at 2:11pm. Jonathan Caleb was 8lbs 8oz and 21 inches long. When Jonathan was about 16 months old, I got pregnant again, and gave birth to another full term baby girl July 20th 2011 at 6:09am. Tirzah (tear’zah) Nicole was 8lbs 3oz and 21 inches long.
I have been blessed beyond measure. But, I believe that it is because I laid my desires in God’s Hands and was at peace with whatever He wanted to do with my life.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. Feel free to add comments if you want to. I pray that my story can help someone else who may be struggling in similar situations.